Wondering If Therapy Can Help Your Relationship? Here’s What Really Happens
By Ben Rea, LCSW
If you’ve ever wondered whether therapy might help your relationship—but felt unsure, hesitant, or even ashamed—you’re not alone.
You might be thinking: Shouldn’t we be able to figure this out on our own?
Or
It’s not that bad—we’re just in a rough patch.
But most couples wait six years too long before asking for support. And by the time they finally reach out, they’re not just frustrated—they’re tired.
What if therapy didn’t have to be a last resort?
What if it could be a place to reconnect, repair, and rediscover each other?
Relationships take work. Learn what works for you both.
Why So Many Couples Wait Too Long
Disconnection rarely starts with a big blow-up. It’s slow. Quiet. A slow drift into:
Parallel lives
Missed bids for attention
Recurring arguments that never resolve
Emotional distance
Loneliness within the relationship
People wait because they think:
“Other couples have it worse.”
“Therapy means we’ve failed.”
“It’s going to make things worse before it gets better.”
“We’ll get back on track eventually.”
But disconnection doesn’t self-correct. And good therapy doesn’t dig up pain just to examine it—it helps you understand the pattern and find a way forward. If you’re ready to work as a team again, therapy can give you the tools to do just that.
What Happens in the First Session
The first session isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about slowing things down.
As your therapist, I’ll ask questions like:
What’s happening in your relationship right now?
What feels stuck or painful?
What patterns do you keep running into?
What are you hoping for—even if you're not sure how to get there?
It’s normal for one partner to be more reluctant. That’s okay. My role is to support both of you—to understand how you’ve been protecting yourselves, and how those strategies might be keeping you stuck.
No judgment. Just curiosity, clarity, and care.
Patterns and Communication Cycles
Couples usually aren’t stuck because of one person—they’re stuck in a cycle. These cycles are often based on unmet needs, emotional misfires, and well-worn survival strategies.
You might recognize patterns like:
The Pursue–Withdraw Cycle: One partner pushes for connection, the other pulls away
The Shutdown Spiral: Both partners avoid conflict until resentment builds
The Fix–Criticize Loop: One tries to fix, the other feels judged
These patterns are often deeply rooted—but they’re not permanent.
Through Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we explore the emotions underneath the conflict so you can learn to reach for each other instead of reacting against each other.
Realistic Outcomes—and How to Prepare
Therapy won’t give you a script to avoid conflict. It will help you understand your reactions, take responsibility for your impact, and build new ways to connect.
You can expect to:
Identify and interrupt harmful patterns
Rebuild trust and emotional safety
Learn tools for better listening and boundary-setting
Understand your partner’s deeper needs
Strengthen intimacy—emotionally and physically
Not every couple chooses to stay together. Sometimes, therapy provides a healthy and respectful path toward clarity and separation. But most couples I work with find more strength, understanding, and hope than they expected.
How to Prepare:
Come curious—not perfect
Expect a little discomfort (that’s where growth starts)
Know that it may take 2–3 sessions to feel traction
Be honest about what’s not working—without blame
The First Step Is Just Showing Up
You don’t need to be falling apart to benefit from couples therapy. You just need to be willing to pause, look at the dynamic, and say: Let’s do this differently.
If you’re thinking about therapy, that alone is a signal that you care. Let’s start there.
Schedule a consultation or call 805-903-2604.
We’ll take it one honest conversation at a time.
