Seeing Someone: How Men Can Connect Authentically With Women IRL

by Ben Rea, LCSW

Dating these days often feels complicated and overwhelming. Social media, dating apps, and cultural expectations create pressure and confusion. For men, toxic masculinity norms—like the idea that you have to be aggressive, confident at all costs, or suppress vulnerability—can make authentic connection nearly impossible.

These pressures do not just affect dating outcomes; they shape how men perceive themselves, how they engage with women, and how they handle rejection. Understanding the dynamics of toxic masculinity and learning how to communicate authentically are essential steps for building meaningful relationships.

The Impact of Toxic Masculinity

Toxic masculinity teaches that emotions are weakness, vulnerability is dangerous, and success is measured by dominance or conquest. In dating, this often translates into performing rather than connecting, overvaluing bravado, or avoiding emotional honesty.

Research shows that rigid adherence to traditional masculine norms can negatively affect relationship satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and overall well-being (Mahalik et al., 2003; Levant & Richmond, 2007). Men who feel they must suppress vulnerability often struggle to create genuine bonds and may misinterpret women’s responses due to anxiety, social scripts, or learned patterns of behavior.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step. Awareness opens the door to change, allowing men to approach dating with presence, authenticity, and respect—for themselves and others.

Approaching Women in Real Life

Approaching someone in person does not require performance or pick-up lines. It requires presence, curiosity, and respect. Start by noticing small opportunities for interaction, like a smile, shared interest, or situational comment.

Authenticity matters more than confidence performed as bravado. It is okay to be nervous or unsure—honesty communicates respect and self-awareness. Listening is just as important as speaking. Asking questions, showing genuine interest, and observing boundaries creates safety and builds connection.

Physical approach and verbal interaction are only part of the equation. Emotional regulation is equally important. Men often underestimate how nervous system activation—fight or flight triggered by fear of rejection—can affect tone, body language, and perception. Practices like grounding, mindful breathing, or brief pre-interaction movement can help regulate the body and support more relaxed, authentic engagement.

Common Dating Challenges

Even when men approach with respect and presence, challenges persist. Fear of rejection, past experiences, or internalized societal scripts can cause overthinking, avoidance, or performance pressure. Social media and apps can amplify comparison and self-doubt.

These patterns are not moral failings. They reflect habitual nervous system responses and conditioned behaviors. Understanding this distinction allows men to respond with self-compassion instead of self-criticism, and to gradually practice new ways of relating.

How Therapy Helps

Therapy provides a safe environment to explore patterns shaped by toxic masculinity, dating experiences, and social conditioning. Working with a therapist can help men:

• Identify beliefs and behaviors that interfere with authentic connection.

• Practice emotional regulation and self-soothing strategies for anxiety around approach and rejection.

• Develop communication skills that balance honesty, curiosity, and respect.

• Examine internalized social scripts and create new relational patterns.

Therapy is not about changing who you are; it is about understanding how your nervous system, past experiences, and social conditioning interact, and learning tools to engage with confidence and authenticity. Over time, therapy strengthens self-awareness, reduces anxiety in social contexts, and supports meaningful, respectful connections with women.

Feel free to reach out to learn more or give me a call (805-903-2604).

I am here to help.